I've Nothing To Say...Well, Nothing That's Not Been Said

I'll be honest, I'm finding this all really hard again.

I don't entirely know what this is going to be, or really why I'm writing it. No, that's a lie. A friend told me this morning that I needed to, and she's right. I don't always feel better once I've got something down, but it nevertheless feels cathartic once I've hashed out a few hundred words.

It's strange to look at the last year. I sort of split it in to three chunks (ironically three lockdowns HA!). And in a really weird way, whilst everyone else has found this gets harder as it goes along, I'm weirdly finding it... easier?

No that's the wrong way to look at it. Less hard. Lockdown 1 was the hardest (because I had six months furloughed from my job and a mental health crisis) and I'm just becoming more accustomed to it. (don't get me wrong they're always hideous, the days blur into one and I've got no idea what's happening anymore.) 

This had been my view point anyway, until about two weeks ago (the picture below does a great job of explaining what I'm currently like)

Basically, I'm getting 'cabin fever' again. 
I had it last year when we got locked down first time. My mental health was falling off a cliff anyway, and then we just got shut off from everyone and I essentially sank into a five month depression (it really was as fun as it sounds...)
I could manage twenty minutes episodes of TV maximum, I couldn't concentrate on books (it took me four months to read Nick Hytner's book about running the National Theatre) and I had little to no interest in exercise or food (also, I started going to sleep at 4am and getting up at 1pm - when there's nothing to get up for, it's too hard to motivate yourself.)

But yes, 'cabin fever'. 
I had my first Covid scare a couple of weeks ago.
Came into contact with someone (for literally ten seconds) who tested positive. So I had to hang out at home for a few days whilst I got a test.
Now, this isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things really - it's my first actual scare that I might have caught it and we are coming up to a year into this pandemic (can we just  take a second to think we've been in this for nearly a whole fucking year? More on this later.) But it really caught me off-guard, and caused me to spiral downwards again.  
Throughout all of this, I've not really been that worried about catching it, in the sense that I'm not worried about being ill (I normally have a cold for like 5 months of the year so I'm fairly used to a cough and a bit of a weird taste/smell thing from being bunged up all the time.)
It's the getting stuck in my house and not being allowed to leave for 10-14 days that freaks the absolute shit out of me.

Look, I'm fine with my own company (the reason I saw 105 shows in 2019 is because I spend days out on my own ALL the time.) But the thought of getting stuck in my two up/two down tiny house honestly filled me with dread. I'd do it, obviously, but the thought is awful.

Thankfully, after a rapid test (and then a proper test sent off to the NHS) it all came back negative and I'm absolutely fine (logically I knew I would be). But it got me thinking about this year, and quite what we've all been through. 

I look at it from this angle: everyone has struggled throughout the last year (if you haven't you're a fucking narcissist - please keep away from me) and mentally we've all been through a lot. If you didn't have mental health problems before this, you probably do now. But it truly gets me thinking about those of us who struggle on a day to day basis, and have been through this too. It's odd, that the 'normal' people have been bought to where the anxious and depressed exist on a daily basis, and the anxious and depressed have taken a step further down the road into places we've never been before (well, I did anyway - March-July 2020 was a time that I NEVER want to re-live.)

The last week has, whilst being bloody rough, been hopeful.

I had my first vaccine this week! 
Honestly, having an underlying health issue has never been so good. Got a call on Thursday morning, and Thursday evening I was in having the Pfizer jab!

Very little side effects for me really - my arm was sore for a couple of days, and I felt quite sick and tired for a couple of days but otherwise all grand.
I didn't expect to receive it so quickly I'll be honest, and it's the only thing I'll give the Government credit for in this whole fucking shambolic shitshow, but they are doing good work getting this vaccine rolled out.

But the other thing that has me with some hope is the Government road-map for getting out of this fucking mess.
We know its a lot of ifs and buts, and we know there are a lot of conditions, but the  fact  that there is a provisional date for social distancing being lifted (and therefore getting theatres open again on full capacity), and that date is THIS SUMMER made me WEEP.
I've been relatively good at holding in my emotions throughout all of this (although I do think sometimes if I allowed myself to sit and cry once a week about things then I'd probably feel a bit less shit...!) but truly, hearing theatres be mentioned by the Government, and that there is some sort of plan for how we get reopen was too bloody much.

As I said, I know this is all conditional, and I know that there's going to be delays to all of this (I realistically think it'll be early August before we're actual open), but having some tangible hope for the first time in a long while is much needed.

There are two things that keep me going, and they're both theatre related. They are the following:

1. I will get to sit in the first audience back of Come From Away, with all of my friends, as we promised 12 months ago, and we will cling on to each other and cry our way through a show about people being good to each other and helping each other in the face of a tragedy (see 2020-21)
   
   
2. I will get to sit in the first audience back of Wicked, with all the Wicked fangirls from over the years, and the show will stop when Glinda descends in the bubble and asks "It's good to see me, isn't?"
   That question is going to mean more than it ever has before.

The West End just needs to not all open on the same night, because I cannot be in two places at once.

It's strange to think that, on the 29th March, the 'rule of 6' will come back outdoors, and this is something that we are actively looking forward to. That we can see up to 6 people outdoors again.

This past year has changed my perspective on literally everything. I'm done being sad and unhappy and stuck, and I'm actively changing all of those things (well, beginning to, it's fucking hard.)

But the one thing it hasn't changed is how much I truly adore all of my friends. My people. The ones who are always there when I need them (you all know who you are.)

When we  can hug people again, I will hug you all so hard that I will probably break you.

Hang on people, the finish line of all of this is in sight.
Keep safe, stay sane, we can do this.

*

Anything you do

Let it come from you

Then it will be new

Give us more to see

(Sunday in the Park with George: Stephen Sondheim)